I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
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Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
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He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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