One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
