someone threw a dead crab at me
my mouth tastes like poor choices
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
