how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
