Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
