Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
please come you make the beer taste better
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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