my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
