I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
