I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
