My sheets look like a crime scene.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
