so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
