one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
