dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
