One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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