sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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