At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
