the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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