So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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