If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
