Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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