i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
