I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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