why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
dude. I can hear the air.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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