i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i dont even know how to be here
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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