How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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