I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize