Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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