I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.