I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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