YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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