Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I just googled if crying burns calories
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
