you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Dating After Heartbreak
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys