he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick