Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
