We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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