She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
