Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
