I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
