ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
