i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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