i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You were trust falling into bushes
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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