i think i have two assholes
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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