she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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