Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
