also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
