i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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