I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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