watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
