i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
this just has baby written all over it
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
