just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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