Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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