Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
