is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
