just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
