i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
