i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
