I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
