I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
