dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
