YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
