Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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