Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
